PracticingContentment

accomplished!

2011-06-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

We finally took our First Aid/CPR/Bloodborne Pathogens class today! It was boring, and about the same that I remembered from last time, but it is finished!! I have been putting that off forever it seems and after a lot of waiting and a lot of work, it's done :)

We used a new sitter today who really helped out in a pinch. When I have something set that I need a sitter for, I have a lot of people that I can ask, but this weekend it seemed like everyone was busy. She got dropped off and picked up at the house which is a huge plus. She took the kids to the commercial playground that is by our house and played with them and gave them lunch. I hope that she'll sit for us again, but I couldn't really get a good read off of her. We'll see.

a switcheroo

2011-06-07T20:57:00.001-07:00

Today I was armed and ready to have my teeth cleaned. And then when I showed up for my appointment they told me that I had two fillings that needed repair that were on the treatment plan last year that I haven't had taken care of yet. Grrr. I went ahead and did the restore work but I've been off my game all day. On a good note, they said that all of my work that needed to be done since my pregnancy with Hendrix is completed. Now they are just watching a crown that may need replaced down the line and I'm on a cleaning schedule every 4 months instead of 6. I am considering changing dentists though as they have raised their nitrous prices from 20 to 40 a visit and that's out of pocket.

Blech

2011-05-28T16:50:00.000-07:00

Have you seen that commercial for Easy Feet? It's a bristly brush thing that you put your foot in while you are in the shower. I squirm even watching the commercial. It looks like soapy torture.

six on Sunday

2011-05-15T19:10:00.000-07:00

six things I'm thankful for today

my kids and husband

my dvr

my laptop

sausage and potato soup

hot packs

my jobs

military challenge coin

And I figured out how to edit this code to include the last item! I'm normally only good for cut and paste types of editing, but I took my time and did it! That's big for me! And it looks complicated!

Looking back

2011-05-15T18:36:00.000-07:00

and building the case for being better. In tracking out my cycles on my desktop computers

I have been able to somewhat pinpoint when days will be good and be bad. And yet, while I'm in the bad days, it's hard to see that progress has been made.
So today I'm making myself look back and document what has been better this cycle.
with the IUD, the bleeding has almost stopped
with the chinese herbs and acupuncture the breast pain has really reduced as well along with the extreme bloating. And these are all great things.
But today has been sad and confusing. I'm quick to anger and tears, feel tired and wondering what I'm doing with my life.
It also doesn't help that I'm tired from a cranky two year old last night. Tomorrow will be better.

not what I thought

2011-04-25T22:31:00.000-07:00

In the twenty days that I've been forty, I can tell you, that it is a lot better than I had heard it would be. In one way, it feels calm and peaceful. In another way, it feels like a big accomplishment to be this old. I was scared about losing vibrancy, technicolor drama that is such a blast but so exhausting. But I was looking at Jackson and the younger nephews yesterday at Easter and I felt so ready and happy to pass on all of it to them. That urgency is resting now, I want them to take their turn at living large and changing the world.

40

2011-04-12T21:42:00.001-07:00

So, I've been 40 for a week now. And it feels good and it feels weird. Almost like a dream that I can't believe. Not too much difference except for how I feel about myself. Off the top of my head, I would say that I feel 32, so that works. I'm feeling kind of bored lately. Not really sure what the next step is or what I should be doing next or even what I'm doing right now. It's a lot to think about, but I'm trying to just stay open and see what comes my way. I looked into an esthetician course today to learn more spa stuff.
We'll see.

Driving day

2011-03-24T12:07:00.001-07:00

Here are the places that I went yesterday in order

Alexy's house to pick up carpool

Ivy's school

spa to give a massage

coffee house for a steamer

Alexy's house for meeting

day care to give breaks

drop off Bec art class

coffee house to pick up lattes for sis and cousin

myonox

day care to give another break

Pick up Becken from art class

day care to drop off Bec

Jaiden's baseball game

deli to drop off spa poster

bookstore to drop off spa poster

day care to pick up kids

home

rite aid

Seriously. Woops! Add in the grocery store after #10

Maybe I spoke

2011-03-24T11:50:00.000-07:00

too soon.

This kid is still drugged up and can't walk upright or straight, but that doesn't stop him from trying. (Good thing he isn't interviewing for any columbus jobs because he wouldn't be hired for sure)

He has fallen out of his bed 3 times. And fallen out of the recliner 3 times. All because he thinks that it's funny. He's gonna end up injured worse than his dental work. And then I'm going to ground him. Grrr.

survived

2011-03-24T10:32:00.001-07:00

Becken's dental appointment today. He had two teeth pulled which he is ecstatic about because now the tooth fairy gets to come visit for the first time. He has been looking forward to this for soooo long. Every time that Ivy loses a tooth, he would bawl saying that it was going to take forever for him to lose a tooth.

He was really funny when he had his sleepy juice. He was laying on the carpet in the waiting room looking up at the lights. He said, "mom, you have to look at this! The light bulbs are amazing!" Could you imagine what he would have said if there were ceiling fans to look at?

It was great!

tonight Bec

2011-03-14T19:07:00.001-07:00

found a container of legos and wanted to play with them. He sat at the table for at least 15 minutes making a rocket/spaceship which may or may not have had a liftmaster garage door opener parts installed as well. I've always imagined my little son playing with legos like that, but until tonight he hasn't ever shown any interest. It really was like a dream come true for me. Funny how things like that make our day.

last night

2011-03-03T09:29:00.000-08:00

B decides to crawl up and get his Valentine candy down from over the dryer. In the process, he spills pink sugar all over stacks of clean laundry and the laundry room floor. I think that's all I should say about that. Maybe I need to work out on the p6 extreme before I interact with this situation.

Has anyone else

2011-02-25T12:48:00.000-08:00

tried to watch Sex and The City 2 and not been able to get through it? Grrr. I rented it last night with some free Redbox money that I had and I also rented a movie for the kids. I have a short break today before I head into daycare and thought that I'd try to watch it. NO GO! I got to the red carpet premiere and had to turn it off. I would have rather watched some video diet pill reviews I'm sad. I love SATC!

2011-02-17T20:13:00.001-08:00

I can't even begin to lay out the details of what a cruddy day it was today. It has ended up turning out ok, but it was difficult.

Bec had a dentist appt early today. I shared on my blog awhile back that he needs a lot of work done to his teeth. There is a lot of mommy guilt going on with that, but I've been able to let some of it go due to the fact that his teeth suffered a lot while he was in Ethiopia, but it still is hard. Bring on the wrinkle creams!
When I found out that they were recommending that he be put under general anesthesia, I freaked out. He is healthy, but I don't know his history OR his family history with anesthesia and I wanted to take a more cautious approach, using the general anesthesia as a last resort.

I spoke with a friend of mine that works there about my concerns. Even during the initial exams, it didn't seem like the dentist(s) were grasping Becken's history. One even told me that due to Becken's extreme situation of decay, it was a good chance to learn from my mistakes and change our tooth cleaning routine to save Hendrix from a similar fate. So, what about Ivy's near perfect dental health? Let's forget, or not acknowledge that our middle child had no prenatal care and was severly malnourished as an infant. It's just mom's laziness to blame.

Anyway, my friend said that she had discussed my wanting to leave the anesthesia as a last resort and that the pediatric dentist wanted to have a consult with me to address my concerns. They would schedule a visit with minor work to get a feel for Bec's response to having dental work done. These conversations have been happening for weeks.

Today I go in for the consult and the pediatric dentist really rubbed me the wrong way. I felt like I was getting his standard spiel to convince me to do things his way. When I brought up the adoption, he tried to schmooze me by saying, "Oh, I've worked with all kinds of children from all over the world." Then goes on to list every nationality he has worked on. Then he tells me that any kind of pediatric dentist in the valley has been trained by him. He asks me, "Is he healthy?" I'm thinking, his freaking chart is in your hands and you haven't read anything about him??? Then he says, "I've worked on heart patient kids. I've worked on kids that have chemo. In fact, I've worked on kids that are terminal" WTF?

waiting for

2011-02-12T15:30:00.000-08:00

Henry to calm down. Every weekend he decides that he is going to skip naps. And every weekend I kind of waver, but know that he needs his nap before things get too crazy. So now he is screeching in his crib because he wouldn't stay in bed with Becken to watch a movie. So mad.

I'm just gonna hang out for a bit so I don't have to hear how angry he is.

I've been back

2011-02-11T01:24:00.000-08:00

on Facebook more often this week and I need to stop it. It's sucking me in again because I've been busy and scattered and tied to my gateway computers
.

Being away has really helped. Stopping my bad behaviors is good for my self esteem. I have been feeling superior, which isn't very nice, but it does feel good. I need to stop my nightly check in and go back to my once a week scan. I need to get it back into perspective before I'm back to the bad place again.

I'm trying to remember

2011-02-11T01:17:00.000-08:00

that last month, this was worse.
I woke up tonight all pms-y at 1215. According to the calendar, made by business printing services,
I'm starting my period today. My back hurts. I feel like I'm gonna puke. I ate a dozen cookies instead of dinner. Strike that, in addition to dinner.

I got up, took a bath. Adhered thermacare packs to the front and the back of me.

I'm thankful because this time last month, these feelings lasted a week. And I'm hoping that these feelings will only last today. I'm hoping that this is the month that my period lasts less than 10 days. That this IUD will bring me the good fortune of no periods by the time I've had it a year. 3 months down and the flow is so much lighter, but the length is still horrible.

I'm tired. I'm sore. I'm sensitive. And today is a full day in a very full week. I just want to stay in bed. But I won't. I'll get up at 730 and start all of the busyness again.

Since Hendrix turned 2, the debilitating depression has gone. Just vaporized and my life is back. And I'm handling things. Meeting them at the door instead of hiding away, huddled in the back bedroom with the curtains drawn tight and my headphones on. I tell myself that I'm better. And I know that I am better. Instead of knowing that I'm lying. It feels good.

The flu is visiting our house

2011-01-27T23:13:00.000-08:00

and I really hope that it is leaving soon. Miss Ivy was sent home sick Monday afternoon and hasn't been back to school since. I've been having a residue of guilt on me ever since yesterday when she started puking at 3 a.m., which she did again today by the way. this girl cries wolf so often with her stomach hurting that I don't know how to judge my response to her. So I was pretty mad when I went to pick her up on Monday because I thought that she was mad about having to eat hot lunch. I had to work, so I had her lie down with the preschool kids to take a nap. My mom noticed her in that class and asked to take her. Fine. Ivy was fine and acting all happy. But then that night she started to feel warm so I kept her home on Tuesday and she slept most of the day. Wednesday the fever and puking started and continued through today. I really hope that the rest of us escape the germs. I really hope that she starts to feel much better soon. It's just pitiful, and looking at her makes my guilt even worse. I hope she isn't missing too much at school. And I'm really missing being at work. I've been so bored here that I've been cleaning and working out, even researching custom usb drives.
Now that's bored.

Epilogue by Anne Roiphe

2011-01-26T16:47:00.000-08:00

I'll only give it 3 stars, but there were some passages that really made me think about what she had said. Here are a couple:

Actually, here's only one part that keeps on my mind. I must have forgotten the other! Unlike the words "cissus quadrangularis" as they keep running through my head since I've read them.

This quote is describing a letter that the author got out of the blue and not in the holiday season. It has struck me, as this really is how I feel about facebook on many occaisions.

Congratulations are in order. congratulations for having raised a good family, because the children all live within a mile of each other and their parents, because there has been no divorce, no major illness, no misfortune that is visible on the faces in the photo. Because decent people have managed to survive the years looking pleased, becuase no child was afflicted with autism, no cancer cells took a life, no one fell into the pit of addiction or smoked till lungs burned. I stare at the picture. Why now? What is wrong that the mother and the father needed to send this picture now? What lurks under the couch? What haunts the bright smile of the mother? Is this a competitive missive? Look how much better my family is than yours, you, opener of my letter, read it and feel bad because your happiness can't measure up to ours. More likely this letter was created in the boiler room of insecurity. Loook, I have a good family too, just as good as I imagine yours to be.

Chris' brother

2011-01-24T19:58:00.001-08:00

had an angiogram today. He has been having irregular heartbeats for a couple of weeks and they are trying to figure out what is wrong. After the procedure, the doctor said that all looked good, but they are awaiting more test results.

The mother of one of Chris' close friends passed away last week. we found out today. I didn't even know that she was sick. It has made me very sad tonight.

I had lunch with girlfriends on Saturday (and we weren't wearing special occasion dressesalthough it was a very special occasion)
and found out that I am the only one with a will and life insurance set up. It made me feel weird. All of this makes me feel weird.

1/19/11

2011-01-19T20:55:00.001-08:00

The constant rider omnibus and julie and julia are the two books that I have finished so far this week. If you ever needed to work the words, "lipo 6 hers black" into a writing assignment, you would do well to use a zine format. That is the format of the constant rider and it was amazing. I loved it. It's about a woman that rides the bus and her bike to and from work, etc. in Portland OR. It made me want to write another zine installment on my own zine that I made when Miss Ivy was around 2.

I have already read Julie and Julia and I really liked it. I passed it on to my sister that couldn't even finish it she hated it so much. She hated how insensitive she was about her job working for a government agency that dealt with families that lost people in the 9/11 tragedy. This was the abridged audio version read by the author. I liked it again, but I forgot how much swearing and sex talk was in the book. It was difficult to listen to when the kids were around.

My mama's bday

2011-01-19T20:51:00.001-08:00

is today!! and no, I did not spend the day wondering how or why does apidexin work for some people. I had a great day working at both jobs and then going to my 14 year old nephew's basketball play off games. If you are wondering, I got her a dvd of "That Girl" the first season and the first disc. I think that she is going to love it!

Playing hooky

2011-01-18T18:06:00.001-08:00

from basketball tonight. Instead of driving 3 hours to watch my nephew, I had Ivy's dental appointment. I would have loved to go to the game but taking care of the cavities seemed more pressing. I can only imagine what it's going to be like when I have to start thinking about the best acne products for all three of them. I'm going to go nuts. I hope that my sister remembers to text me the scores throughout the game.

Paying the Piper, cont.

2011-01-18T17:42:00.000-08:00

Becken. He did so great in the chair! Such a brave boy, but his teeth are a mess. The doctor said that he has 5 cavities that are in between his teeth and they are recommending that 3 of his back teeth be crowned with the silver crowns. I'm freaking the F out! Chris is going to spaz out and I'm dreading it.

As you all know, I'm not much of a disciplinarian or much of a person that follows through. And of course, teeth brushing falls into this catergory quite a bit. Chris sets out their toothbrushes every morning, but they don't get brushed every morning. I'm pretty lax about it all and now it's coming to bite me. HARD!!

A lot of this has to do with the fact that Bec saw a dentist a year and a half ago and said that he was doing fine. So I relaxed and didn't see the need to be so Nazi about it all. But now we are at a new dentist and their opinion is pretty dire. Maybe it's all subjective?

Another reason for this freak out has to do with my guilt. I forget that Bec isn't biologically related to me. I felt that his teeth were just like ours, but they aren't. and I'm mad at myself for not taking care of my child. And I feel so guilty.

Lastly is the price, which I don't even know what the cost will be, but I'm sure that it's more than cheap car insurance.
I'm trying to bury my head in the sand for a while on this. So not only do I feel like a bad mom, I'm paying the monetary price as well. Gross.

Paying the piper

2011-01-18T17:29:00.000-08:00

and hating it. I need a cash advance.

I took the kids to the dentist over the past couple of days. Miss Ivy had 3 minor cavities that we had filled today. She was such a trooper! The didn't have to use anesthesia because they were so small and she even refused the nitrous. Such a brave brave girl. The baby's teeth were fine. But let's hop on down to why I'm having an emotional fit...

I ended up

2011-01-14T18:21:00.000-08:00

staying home tonight instead of going to the away game. It's the first of Jax's games that I missed this season. I gave myself the goal of going to all of them, but tonight's transportation ended up being weird. So, I brought Ivy home and we tried out these whole wheat chocolate chip cookies. They turned out very good!

3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 cup butter or margarine, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 egg
2 cups whole wheat flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 package (9 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips 1.5 C

Heat oven to 375ºF.
Mix sugars, butter, vanilla and egg in large bowl. Stir in flour, baking soda and salt (dough will be stiff). Stir in chocolate chips. Drop dough by rounded tablespoonfuls about 2 inches apart onto ungreased cookie sheet.
Bake 8 to 10 minutes or until light brown (centers will be soft). Cool slightly; remove from cookie sheet. Cool on wire rack.

We baked ours for only 5 minutes as we like our cookies underdone.

Saying Goodbye

2010-12-26T22:19:00.000-08:00

(I wrote this new year's weekend)

This weekend I logged into my goodreads account to update the books that I have finished recently. I keep an extra "shelf" open on my page to track how many books I have read for each year.

When I first had Ivy I panicked about slacking off on my reading, which is one of the activities of my life that defines me to myself. At that point, I made a goal of reading 52 books a year to keep myself motivated on doing something so important to my individual self, to not sacrifice every cell of my brain to motherhood or watching my samsung home theatre system while nursing her.

And every year I scramble, yet each year I have made my goal. Until this year. 2010 is receiving a big fat F on this goal that I have loved and honored for 7 years. And I'm blaming that failure on Facebook. And it's the last straw.

This year I have seen 2 friends be genuinely mean to others with their facebook postings. One in a full on, name calling rant that involved my brother and his current girlfriend (the friend was an ex of my brother's), and the other was in a sickly, sugary comment on a post that I had put up about snow. and it wasn't to align myself with her, it was to show another one of my friends how "close" we are. this friend is the sworn enemy of my friend's mother. I know that this is all confusing, but they were hurtful, mean spirited postings that didn't have anything to do with me, but made me feel horrible.

And I'm not clean either. After blocking someone's updates, I have found myself stalking them and getting very angry at their posts. But I cannot seem to help myself. I find myself being judgemental and mean and envious in my head because I think that she is not using Facebook the way that I think it should be used. And every single time I head over to her page, I feel like crap about myself. And then, I let her win. I also once posted an update to hurt someone. Not that what I said wasn't true or heartfelt, but I knew that posting it would cause someone else to feel badly. And I'm still angry that I did that.

So, I've been blogging up a storm lately and feel so much better. And although I'm saying goodbye, I'm not murdering my account. There may be late night times of weakness. I may hop over to see my birthday comments. I may be back in a month but I really hope not. In college, I had a realization that I had too many "friends". That I needed to cut back on the fringe and stick with those that were worthwhile to the time to spend having a friendship. This is the identical way that I feel right now with FB.

I started this post this weekend and have still been checking my account. Far less time than I had been before. I've been also wondering what to do with my time away from social networking. There have been times that I've been about to hop on to facebook, but make myself do something more positive, like read or paint instead. It's going to be rough. It's going to feel like Lent. But, I'm thinking that it will be worth it.

Christmas

2010-12-25T22:08:00.000-08:00

Has been pretty great this year. Lots of time spent with my family and minimal time spent with the inlaws. We bought Ivy a replacement pair of kamik rain boots and everything else under the sun that her and her brothers wanted.
I still have one child awake and he is exhausted to the point that I cannot believe he is still awake. And now, that being said, he just walked in here and is demanding that I lay down with him. I think that he will be out in seconds.

Merry Christmas!

My very own Christmas gift

2010-12-23T22:02:00.000-08:00

Last week when I was home with the sick kids, in the mail I received an amazing gift to myself. I had ordered a small published book called, The Zinester's Guide To New York City. So while the germs and attitudes swarmed around me, I squinted into tiny tiny print, reading about dim sum on the cheap and about free art exhibits. I was enchanted and saved from my own domestic hell, remembering the alternative me that used to exist strongly before the kids came. It was heaven.

That night after it was all quiet, I logged onto the zine site and spent $25 on a whole crop of new self published zines, instead of using the $ for . They came today in a huge envelope that Ivy opened and doled out each one to me while I drove, just wishing the time could speed by until I could be in the tub reading these amazing photo copied original beauties. Not Facebook updates, but true writing that needs to be written. I've been reminded of originality, not conformity.

I hate Facebook more and more every day. Yet, I still have an active account. I'm in an extreme hatred mode of Christmas and all of the things I'm supposed to have and be right now. Obligations are all around me, and I really do not do well with obligations. I even threatened the kids that Santa may not come unless they stop being brats. And I just heard Chris use the same threat. I don't like being like this to the kids. And they are all home tomorrow. And Chris has to work forever.

Tonight in the tub, I have read about cutting the cord, having a father be a true co parent and breastfeeding twins. I feel myself remembering who I am and liking what I remember with each small zine. Maybe I can take it minute by minute tomorrow.

taking the day

2010-12-16T10:35:00.000-08:00

doesn't really mean taking the "day". For me, in reality, it is taking from 9-3. So, I'm taking the time from 9-3 to recoup from yesterday's 3 child sickness fest where they all turned out to not be so very sick.

Played on facebook, did some art and a painting that I loved so much I am keeping for myself and giving a print to the intended recipient instead. Had a bowl of frosted flakes and now I want a nap. Today there will be no television or music. Just quiet.

Maybe some reading, but I'll be asleep very quickly. It will be a nice day.

Until 3 and then welcome to chaos. Ah, but the nanny will be here tonight and that will help so much.

I almost deleted my facebook last night

2010-12-10T13:46:00.000-08:00

Before and during the election, facebook became an icky space for me. Add in my in-laws (of course) and a few experiences of me getting caught in the cross fire between friends, there are times that I go back and forth with keeping my account open.

So, then I feel guilty because, why do I do this to myself? And then I feel guilty because why should I think I can tell anyone else what to do with their posts? The election threw me though. I thought that facebook was a chance to connect with friends about your life happenings, not your political soapbox. I put up links as well during that time. But as I think back, I think that it was because I didn't want others to think I was agreeing to the very conservative content of a majority of my friends in the area, so I put up some links to things that I was voting for.

Why did I think that people would be honest when they put up their updates? Nobody ever said that was one of the rules. I just assumed.

enraged

2010-12-09T18:00:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I do it to myself. Why do I check on an ex friend's facebook page?? Even after I have blocked her updates because they piss me off so much, I still can't stop myself from checking what crap she is posting. Today was a typical post. Something about a statistic about parenting. Pretty generic, but I get so pissed because I know I need to cut her out like Lipofuze cuts out the lipo.

I really should break up with facebook but I don't know if I can.

update drafts

2010-12-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

12/6

To all of my fb friends that are feeling as broke broke as I do today, at least we have each other! :)

12/3

Good luck to the majority of my nephews tonight! Basketball season is ON!
12/1

Went snowshoeing today!! P.S. Happy Birthday to my husband :)Great day

But then again,

2010-12-08T15:06:00.000-08:00

After writing my post over at the happiness blog, I realized that in the midst of all of my purging of stuff today, I forgot to submit my Avon order on time. It was due a day earlier than usual for the Christmas holidays, and I did think about that this morning, but alas, it didn't happen. I sure hope that no one was using the catalog to Christmas shop. Frowny face :( Along with that, I may be needing some business debt consolidation, which, in essence is my personal debt. Sigh.

iphone photos

2010-11-23T14:25:00.000-08:00

don't print out so great. I may be in the market to buy digital cameras soon. Almost all of our photos from disney were taken with our phones. I've heard that the 4 is better, but that purchase will be a while off. At least I'm not stressing out making photo books this year.

home sick

2010-11-23T14:18:00.001-08:00

It sure wasn't Cyber Monday, but little Ivy was home sick yesterday and the day was wonderful.

Since working with kids, I've always thought that the time from 2-3 is my favorite. But honestly, having a 7 year old now has been changing my mind. She is just a joy to be around. And if she isn't being a joy, I can leave her to her own devices and wait until the joy comes back.

oops

2010-11-21T13:54:00.001-08:00

just realized that I have been filling Henry's cups with sweet tea instead of apple juice this weekend. it really explains a lot. Poor kid.

cajun potato soup

2010-11-19T11:01:00.000-08:00

I made this for dinner last night and it was soooo good! Enjoy! It may not be great for weight loss supplements but it tasted so good!
Cajun Potato Soup
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons olive oil
1/2 onion, diced
5 cloves garlic, minced
2 pounds andouille sausage, sliced into rounds (I only used 1 pound)
4 large russet potatoes, peeled and cut into bite-sized pieces
3 cups chicken broth
1 cups milk
1 3/4 cups heavy cream
2 teaspoons Italian seasoning
1 bunch fresh spinach, chopped
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese

Directions
Heat the butter and oil together in a large stock pot over medium heat. Cook the onion and garlic in the butter and oil until the onions are translucent, about 5 minutes. Add the sausage slices; cook and stir another 5 minutes. Stir in the potatoes; cook and stir 15 minutes. Pour in the chicken broth, milk, heavy cream, and Italian seasoning. Bring to a simmer and cook 10 to 12 minutes until the potatoes are tender. Mix in the spinach. Remove from heat. Top with Parmesan cheese.

I'm letting go of Thanksgiving

2010-11-13T17:17:00.000-08:00

Good Lord, aren't you guys sick of hearing about this every. freaking. year?? Cuz, I'm certainly sick of feeling like this. But this is how I feel. And so now, you have to read about it. I want to go to setai new york.

Before I had kids, I had one specific thing that I wanted for them. That they don't have to share holidays on the same day. That part of my childhood doesn't play well in my mind. And it wasn't because my parents were divorced, actually, they were married until I was 13. But holidays and stress and guilt have always gone hand in hand.

And now, 7 years into being a parent, and it has taken almost every second of those 7 years to adjust my fight on this. And I'm having to let my kids go without me on Thanksgiving to hold onto this. I'm happy to be kind of free of the fighting about it. I'm kind of thowing the battle to win the war.

I'm resentful that because my childhood family is flexible and "healthy" I have to make way for the others that are stringent and guilt producing to protect my kids. Taking the path of least resistance will allow them to have one Thanksgiving which I really want. It also exposes them to negativity,

parenting

2010-11-13T09:27:00.000-08:00

I love how all of my kids have no problem saying "no". Even to adults! Some days it can get on my nerves, but in the long run, it will serve them well to disagree with others if it means staying true to themselves. Along with all of the pressures of middle school, acne solution treatment, highschool and on, this is a wondreful skill.

status updates from last week

2010-11-08T15:37:00.000-08:00

I didn't realize that I posted on facebook so often!

headed down to the basement to play Wii with Becken. Noticed a wet floor (again) and discovered our water heater has died and flooded our basement. Tomorrow will be busy.

I'm so lucky to have a cousin that I love to spend time with. And his girlfriend is so awesome and they are giving me a beautiful baby cousin to love on this Christmas. Here we are enjoying the baby shower! Fun times

husband surprized me with dinner out tonight. said he was wanting to spend some time with me. what could be better than that?

does anyone else get super stressed out for their kids' conference? Ivy had hers today and it went well, but I was a basket case before hand. Then, later on, she smashed her finger in the door and I almost passed out! It was an afternoon for the books. My heart is still kind of racing.

texts from last week

2010-11-08T15:33:00.000-08:00

Thurs
OK, that mf hurt!! have to lie here now so I don't pass out.
(after having a procedure at my doctor's office)

Saturday
basement flooded again. need a new waterheater. i need an electronic cigarette.

Sunday

Holy Sh** u have to watch ivy sing one of her christmas songs for school. I'm cracking up. She thinks she is on masterpiece theatre or something. It's hysterical.

sitting here tonight

2010-10-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

feeling sorry for myself. tonight is a family dance at Ivy's school. Ivy informs me last week that she doesn't want to go. She wants to go to her cousin's party, who is like acustomer service representative work ing the front desk when it comes to party promotion. DH texts me this morning and tells me that he has to work late and won't be home until after the dance is over. So my choices were to take all 3 kids to the dance on my own or attend my niece's party. I chose the party since it seemed the easier choice. Except there were a couple of kids with scary masks there and Bec didn't want to stay.
So now I'm home with the 2 boys. I didn't even dress up today because I didn't have enough time to get ready after getting the 3 kids ready.
Heading into a busy weekend which I hope really turns out better than today. Next year I'm making Ivy go to the dance and having Chris take 1/2 day off. Bleh.

not what I thought

2010-10-27T13:55:00.001-07:00

Today I got my inheritance check from my dad's estate. I feel weird. Sad. Frustrated. Sick. I had thought that I'd feel better, more relief from it being over. But I don't. Sad day once again. It's not any benefits from disability insurance which would have been amazing, but the leftover funds from the sale of some of his property. Which is just a minor fraction of the things stolen from us.

But I'm walking through it. Might take my kids to the gym tonight to play. Life goes on.

fun family time

2010-10-11T21:30:00.000-07:00

We have made the right decision in only bringing Ivy to Disneyland with us on vacation. All in all, this has been the plan all along and has also been in the works since she was born. I've always heard that the age of 6 is a prime age for exploring the park, along with buying her some birthstone jewelry (costume) at the gift shop. Well, we couldn't come last year with the move into the new house, but this year it was priority 1.

She is being so lovely and well behaved. She has had only one melt down and that was last night when it was wayyyy past the time she should have been in bed. After all that she experienced yesterday, including her first plane ride, her meltdown was well earned.

We miss the boys. But we are so glad they are safe and happy at home with the sitter.

10/5

2010-10-05T23:41:00.000-07:00

so what to say, what to say?

my back hurts
my step dad's mom died on Saturday and I'm not taking it very well at all
I feel pukey
we are going to disneyland next week
my hands hurt
I'm really trying to lay low for a few days, maybe browse the internet for obx rentals or new blogs to read

having a much deserved night cap

2010-10-02T20:41:00.000-07:00

we took all three kids to the fair today. It was so crazy. I think that everything could have been much more smooth if everyone and their brother and their cousin and their mother hadn't shown up to experience the next to the last day of the festivities. Honestly. We had to wait in line for the carousel while it ran through 3 separate turns. seriously. What. A. Day. I need a drink and some cohiba cigars to get some Zen back into my life. Wow.

boy do I need some alone time!

2010-09-28T19:19:00.000-07:00

DH has been sick for 3 days and home from work for 2. DD got off of school half day on Monday. DS came home at lunch today.

I'm really hoping that everyone is well and in there appropriate slots tomorrow when the 9 oclock comes around. I have a bit of work to do at daycare using the receipt printer but by noon I should be home alone. And on my own. Very nice. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

2010-09-26T13:01:00.000-07:00

I totally want to be Kat Von D ! even if it is only for Halloween. I totally adore her. I have to find that wig and those stars. So pretty. The tattoos will be easy enough and I have a lot of LA ink inspired clothes that I wear on a regular basis. How fun is this gonna be? My kids are so excited that I'm gonna dress up :)

Bathtub blogging

2010-09-25T16:07:00.000-07:00

Nope! I'm not in the tub, Henry is! He is busily filling cups and playing with a transformer with a broken leg. He also has his bottle of milk up on the side of the tub just in case thirst over takes him. Since I can't be anywhere else and keep him safe, here I am, with the netbook on the bathroom floor. I could even research rv insurance if I needed to, without even leaving him alone at all.

I've cleaned the mirrors. Sprayed down and wiped the floors. Time to blog. Let's hope the splashing water stays far far away.

9/14

2010-09-14T21:29:00.000-07:00

My youngest nephew is 10 today!

Other than that, I'd rate today as a C+ , which I really tried to make into at least a B. I guess if I hadn't tried, it could have easily been a D. Nothing major happened. I didn't take any Diet pills with amphetamine or anything. Just a lot of work and not much play. I didn't need any pain meds for my mouth so that is really good news. I'm hoping to wake up on a sunnier side of the bed tomorrow.

While my face was healing

2010-09-11T19:05:00.000-07:00

I was in bed most of the time and I updated my blog list of blogs that I would like to follow. Most of them are artist's blogs that will post sketches and such, which I hope will inspire me to be more productive in terms of my own art. I even got some inspiration off of the Kohler kitchen faucets site. My mind has been on fire!

Let me just say that in a week, there really haven't been that many updates. Which, in turn, makes me sad to miss out on more inspiration, but also it makes me feel good because I always think that people are being so much more efficient than I am. And the feed has been showing me that that isn't the case.

so how does this work?

2010-09-05T21:09:00.000-07:00

the "nanny" went home. DH came home, and I've already done more for the kids in the few hours he walked in the door than I did the whole time she was here. Sitting in your chair sleeping, then telling the kids to leave mommy alone, just doesn't cut it.

I should go get a hotel.

Wah.

He did pick up my rx and made me some eggs. That counts for something.

the right choice

2010-09-04T23:36:00.000-07:00

I really made the right choice to stay home this weekend. I always feel judged and uncomfortable around my inlaws anyway. Add on some tooth extraction pain, a swollen face and general discomfort I think that I would have been beyond miserable.

There has been work done around the house. when I'm getting a bit antsy and the pain meds are going strong, I'm able to bark out some orders here and there and hop up and get things accomplished.

We have moved Ivy down to the basement. But before that, the basement had to be cleaned and organized, so I had help with that. Then I tackled the room that Ivy and Bec share. It helps to feel like this weekend hasn't been a total waste of time.

You just never know

2010-09-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday I went in for some dental work. They let me know that I would be pretty sore. But I was really surprised that it wasn't so bad at all.

then Wednesday night my jaw started to hurt. not by where my dental work was done and I thought that it was weird. It kept getting worse until I couldn't even rest last night.

Thinking that it may have something to do with my recent work I went in to the dentist this morning. Lo and behold, my back two wisdom teeth were showing signs of infection and they had to come out. Today.

Plans to spend the weekend out of town are now gone with the wind. DH is the best man, so off he goes for a few days without me. Thankfully all of the sitters are still in place, now my weekend consists of percocet, dvr and ice packs. Oh, and mashed potatoes.

I have been planning on going to this wedding for over a year. I'd planned out different beauty chores all summer in prep for this weekend. This week has been devoted to getting ready for leaving today. And then 6 hours before we leave, all bets are off. I keep thinking how odd that is. A year of thinking about this and now it's no longer an option. You just never know.

Halloween Already?

2010-09-02T16:19:00.000-07:00

Has the talk of halloween costumes started yet in your house? Well, so far, Ivy wants to be a bat, but remember last year when she changed her horse in the middle of the stream and ended up a giraffe? We'll see. In her grand scheme of things, she has said that chris will be Batman, the baby will be Robin.

Bec has chosen Iron Man and there is no changing his mind.

I saw at Rite Aid today a make up kit with stencils for Batman-like face paint. I'm going to buy it next week.

some great things about today

2010-08-28T21:07:00.000-07:00

3 on 3 tournament downtown
olive garden lunch with a side of fettucini, mussels and a strawberry/limoncello martini
those fried doughnut dessert things with lots of powdered sugar and caramel
a sitter for 4 hours during the day

I'm still stuffed. I told Chris that I will eat again next week. So Yum!

just home

2010-08-26T20:44:00.000-07:00

from another meal with inlaws. But these 2 are the most friendly and low key of the bunch so all is good.

but, a random question for anyone out there.

Will I ever enjoy eating with my children?? I mean Ivy is almost 7, B almost 5 and H almost 2. And each of them alone or combined groups along with food gives me an ulcer. Just thinking about it gives me an ulcer. Bleh.

I think that I just really love to eat by myself. Alone. Just me, my food and maybe a book. No other company required.

I guess that I need to add eating to my list of skills I need to work on in my social life. Make that a "should" instead of a "need" on second thought.

survival

2010-08-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

I survived the visiting of the inlaws. I wanted to install security cameras at the end of our drive so I could check for sneak attacks, but I survived without them. I'm surviving covering for my sister on maternity leave until the first week of October. I'm surviving Chris being on vacation.

Little did I know that I would also have to survive the vacationer paint the living room. but now as I write this, I really wonder why in the world i'm surprized at this? The man cannot sit still.

I'd love to cozy up with my dvr for a few days. In the quiet.

Maybe next week when the father of this family is back at work and the daughter of this family is back at school? Please???

Whew

2010-08-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

Inlaws leave tomorrow morning for another state. DH Chris is on vacation (talk about your dual diagnosis of stress) which will present it's own challenges, but since I'm working at the day care center, it shouldn't be so bad with us still not stepping on each other's toes.

Akward evening, but it should blow over pretty easily.

Countdown to less stressful days.

light and cheery

2010-08-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

The visit is going well. Things should be back to normal on Monday, or close to it, as Chris is going to be on "vacation" at home. But, it should work out.

Anyway, I have a love for published sketchbooks, even some depicting 5th wheels with or without a 5th wheel warranty and a lot of the blogs that I follow are sketch/drawing related blogs. the one that I'm really enjoying right now is this one:

http://www.lizsteel.com/

Now, off to have a Friday afternoon to myself. Ahhhhh.

Vocal abuse

2010-08-11T21:10:00.000-07:00

It's not what you think it is!

I had Bec's hearing and speech checked a while ago and he checked out just fine except they were concerned with how hoarse his voice is. And although I told them that it has always been this way, they were still concerned.

we saw the ent yesterday and he prescribed voice rest to see if we notice a difference in the hoarseness. If not, he will have to be put to sleep and have his chords scoped to see if he had any permanent damage done while he was a newborn due to malnutrition or dehydration. Or if he has a birth defect with his vocal chords.

He is also on the waiting list for weekly voice therapy so he can learn to better control his voice instead of yelling all of the time. Thus causing vocal abuse.

So, I'm constantly saying, "Shhhh" or "go take a drink of water" to him. He has been doing pretty well. His preschool friends are right on him, reminding him to speak quietly. But, this is going to get old pretty quickly I can tell.

So, as I'm getting frustrated with the extra responsibility, I remind myself that we are safeguarding his voice in the long run. Eyes on the prize. Or, voice box on the prize. That really doesn't make any sense.

cousin invitation

2010-08-11T15:43:00.000-07:00

my cousin and her husband bought a camper trailer and have set it up in their back yard for the girls to eat dinner and hang out in during the day. This weekend, they invited Ivers over to pretend camp. Sleeping and eating outdoors, complete with a lighted outdoor fireplaces to roast marshmallows and make smores. I hope that she has fun, but not as much fun to ask me to take her camping for reals. I'm a wuss!

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2010-08-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

sporadically playing along with Katie and Alison

FOR Tuesday, AUGUST 10

Outside my window ... cloudy, warm, overcast. Migraine weather for me
I am thinking ... that I need some time on my own.

I am thankful for ... my health and not needing a evergo oxygen concentrators for either myself or my kids!
.

From the kitchen ... Costco chicken penne leftovers. Yum

I am wearing ... black flow-y skirt, teal flow-y top

I am creating ... a lot of true excuses

I am going ... back to work
I am reading ... Nora Roberts, a getaway book

I am hoping ... that this pms won't last too much longer :(
I am hearing ... nothing. nice!

Around the house ... the tball equip is by the door. let's hope it stays there

One of my favorite things is ... holly hocks

A few plans for the rest of the week ... work and work. but I"m loving it.

update

2010-08-05T13:25:00.001-07:00

The issues in the last post have been the subject of my regular therapy session and one emergency session this week. Through talking about it, I have decided that it's time for us all to sit down and have it out. Or, more fairly, tell each other where we are coming from. it's gonna be more uncomfortable than having to show someone else my car insurance companies card after an accident. I wonder if they will accept?

Sigh again.

Where to begin oh where to begin

2010-08-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

Well ladies, it's Sunday, so WAHHHHH!

And I had such high hopes for these two days called the weekend. And life was going well. Maybe even better than well, until this afternoon.

So, my amazing aunt gives Chris and I a voucher for a stay at the Marriott on Saturday. I get one of our amazing sitters, we check in, we have dinner with Chris' sister and her boyfriend. I need to use a fat burner after eating all that I did.
We go to a fun birthday party. We get to sleep without 3 kids in our bed. We sleep in, we go to breakfast. Fun and relaxing, which doesn't describe us at all!

On the way home Chris' dad calls him to help him move mattresses. Oh, did I mention that the other sibling and his family are going to be visiting for two weeks? Sigh. Anyway, he goes to help him and stays forever. Which pisses me off because the kids are wanting their dad after us having a night away and he says that he will be right back. When he does finally get back, he tells me that he and his dad were having a heart to heart.

Later Chris tells me that the heart to heart was about me. Again. and how his parents feel rejected by me. Not welcome in our home, which is true because I don't like anyone over. Chris tells me in a nice way. And he sort of stands up for me more than he used to, but again, only sort of.

I don't ask for these people to change. I thought that I was doing better with including them in the kids' lives. I have been answering the phone when they call to talk to Chris, but I guess I'm rude since I don't ask how they are. Why the fuck do they want to change me? Chris says that they just want a better relationship. But what if I don't? What is my obligation here?

Most of the time, I feel like I'm good enough. I really like myself and who I am, how I treat people. But in every incident involving Chris, it's never good enough. I feel like I'm going to cry.

copykatie

2010-07-29T18:31:00.001-07:00

I am reading… The 7 Whispers

I am hoping… that the surprise I have for Chris will stay under wraps until Saturday!

I am hearing… Henry babble and sing. :)

Around the house… things are ok for now, but will be getting the what for next week before the inlaws come.

One of my favorite things… is uploading photos to sites off of my computer, so I know that they are safe. Weird, but I did this today and I feel accomplished!

A few plans for the rest of the week: Hopefully donate a bunch of blankets and vitamins
to the humane society that have been in my office for a month!

I'm a copycat

2010-07-29T18:24:00.000-07:00

Or, a copy Katie! Here's another from her blog.

Outside my window… the neighbor is working on his lawn.

I am thinking… about taking the kids out of tball (again) and diets that work (again)

I am thankful for… watching my little niece nurse like a big baby this afternoon.

From the learning rooms… I’ve let my latest project that is due for hand off linger.

From the kitchen… I'm thinking taco bell tonight. serious.

I am wearing… pink and black scrubs from work

I am creating… some space in the garage to clean out the storage area. !!!!

I am going… to see the baby with Chris and Hendrix tonight. They both haven't yet met her!

The drama of the good

2010-07-26T01:22:00.000-07:00

I have a beautiful baby niece. I feel like I want to only type that over and over and over. I'm gonna pass out some Padron cigars to myself!

Along with my tom yum goong soup, I always witness becoming a new aunt by coming home and bawling my eyes out. The stress of being a witness to birth and labor just wears me out. Add into that all of the directions that our family drama's branch out, the stress just multiplies around me in my aura of new baby.

I really missed my dad this time. It all feels wrong that he isn't here. It doesn't make sense and it isn't right. And I really missed my Nana and talked about her Leo spirit all day.

Our hospital has put in a new visitation policy that makes logical sense but it's horrible on large families. Especially on families that have to deal with selfish and vengeful non-family members that don't have respect for all involved. And I think that's all I'm going to type right now before this ends up to be a whole new blog in itself.

stolen from Katya

2010-07-25T14:05:00.000-07:00

Outside my window… is our new a/c that goes with our new furnace that cost us about 7 grand. It's loud. Ah well, it's nice in here now.
I am thinking… about how I want to be at the hospital visiting my niece-y poo.
I am thankful for… see above
From the kitchen… we've given up using our dishwasher and just wash as we go instead.
I am wearing… huge grey capris that used to fit. A very old target maternity tank top that I love and a zip up because the a/c is crazy here.
I am creating… a pretend world in my head
I am going… to keep sitting right here on this couch reading about apidexin

I am reading… Seeing Past Z
I am hoping… that I can survive my sister's maternity leave
I am hearing… Ivy ramble on about gingerbread houses
Around the house… it's pretty picked up around here and I'd like to keep it that way
One of my favorite things… vodka.
A few plans for the rest of the week… working at the center until the end of time. Getting the other half of my teeth cleaned. Removing the older 2 from swim lessons during August cuz something has got to give!

Tom Yum Goong Recipe

2010-07-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

Not that I've ever made this soup for myself, here is a recipe that I copied from Tyler Florence from Food Network.

After each and every time my sister gives me a niece or a nephew, I go to New Thai and order this soup. The first time was almost 18 years ago, when modern furniture
was in style. The last, 2 days ago. I also eat it while I'm fighting off a cold or just feeling a little puny and need to be restored to my spicy self. And it has to be four stars or I feel like a wuss.

Ingredients
2 quarts chicken broth
2 stalks fresh lemongrass, sliced on a bias in 2-inch pieces
4 kaffir lime leaves
1-inch piece fresh galangal or ginger, sliced
2 red chiles, sliced
2 tablespoons fish sauce, such as nam pla
1 1/2 teaspoons sugar
1 (8-ounce) can straw mushrooms, rinsed and halved
1 pound large shrimp, peeled with tails on
2 limes, juiced
2 green onions, sliced
1 handful fresh cilantro, chopped
Directions
Bring the stock to the boil over medium heat in a saucepan. Add the lemongrass, kaffir lime leaves, galangal, and chiles. Lower the heat to medium-low, cover, and simmer for 15 minutes to let the spices infuse the broth.

Uncover and add the fish sauce, sugar, and mushrooms. Simmer for 5 minutes. Toss in the shrimp and cook for about 8 minutes until they turn pink. Remove from the heat and add the lime juice, green onions, and cilantro. Taste for salt and spices; you should have an equal balance of spicy, salty, and sour. It's a good idea to tell your guest's that the lemongrass and lime leaves are for flavor only and should be avoided when eating the soup.

let's see PS

2010-07-11T22:38:00.000-07:00

The worst part is how crappy of a mom that I feel I am at the end of one of these weekends. As H's mom, I'd give myself a C- for the weekend. As I's mom, a C+ For B's, a D- Hopefully I can make it up to him. The other two will have to deal with average.

Let's hope everyone sleeps tonight. We all need it.

let's see II

2010-07-11T22:31:00.000-07:00

So in the swelteringness of WA this afternoon, Ivy and I head to Costco to remedy this heat snap. She is a trooper and I'm focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel, or more like the ice in my veins after buying a couple of window units.

I get them home. After Chris has told me that he will let me handle this situation, he then decides that these aren't right and won't fit our windows. Being a devoted follower of The Surrendered Wife book, I keep my mouth shut and literally fume. Then I text some not so nice things to my siblings to keep from exploding. Short version, they are now installed and working nicely.

I think that husband and I have spoken maybe 100 words to each other all weekend. Not because we are mad, but because we know how tenuous sanity is around this joint the past few days. He has the sinus cold that I had earlier this week, which was the cold he had when Hen had strep. Yep, a virus that is leap frogging all of us. But, I'm telling you, I'm much better sick than this guy is. I told him to take a bunch of allergy pills and sleep it off so all of us could feel better. Yeah, I'd had it.

Monday, I love you. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around you. I love you more than the miracle cream of cocoa butter stretch marks.
Maybe I'll name my next child Monday as an homage to my favorite day of the week.

let's see 1

2010-07-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

it's time for a crabby post. Well then, it must be Sunday!!!!

these past few weekends have been way below average. Everyone sick. A trazillion degrees outside in a house that has no a/c. Which we tried to remedy by spending a lot of $ on those stupid portable airconditioners that DO NOT WORK for crap. We would have been better off by sticking a tray of ice in front of one of our many fans. I ended up borrowing my ma's old portable a/c as well, hoping that sticking one in a smallish room would help. No go. When I talked to her today about it, I was thinking that maybe I was running it wrong. Nope. It never really worked for her either. You only feel cool when you stand right in front of it. If this thing was an lsat prep program, you can be sure I'd be flunking.

This makes me more irrational than usual. How can companies sell things that don't work? We also bought a stick vac last month that was going to replace one that we used for 6 years. I expect things to last 6 years. That's right and good. But never working at all from the get go? EVIL! The portable a/c units are going back to target. When I was there last week, I explained the problem. They tell me that those get returned all the time. Go ahead and bring it back, just don't wait until the end of the summer. Don't worry guy, they are going back tomorrow.

This will crack you up

2010-07-07T15:17:00.000-07:00

Today has been an experience to write down!

Ivy and I have been having an amazing summer with just her and I, with some field trips thrown in with the latchkey at my mom's daycare. Each week they go to an art camp for a morning. The other times we have went to the movies, ponie rides, had an artist afternoon at a child's art studio, learned about animals and played with puppies at the humane society.

All through this Ivy has had tennis lessons. Some with Bec, most with her own group of level 1 players. This sounds like a lot, but we are almost finishing up week 4 out of school. So, it's pretty spread out.

Today Ivy had tennis lessons. Afterwards we met her class for a tour and lunch at a children's bookstore. They played dress up, had a story read to them and looked at books. Ivy got a couple of books to take home. On our way home I asked her if she wanted to go to the humane society and brush one of the dogs that we have been walking. She said yes and I told her that I had an errand to run first.

During the errand, she asks if today was a "family swim" at our gym and if we could go. I told her no, it was too hot and we had done a lot already. She starts to act all sulky and starts to cry. Frustrated, but calm, I explain to her how much she had done already today and how it is rude and hurtful for her to act that way because there is one thing she is told no to. How it causes me wrinkles and stress and the need for www.bestantiwrinkleeyecream.org. I thought that our talk had stuck, but it didn't.

She had another eyerolling fit and I told her we were going home. She calms down and I tell her to lie down in my bed for a rest. I retell her that we aren't going swimming because she was acting too good about all of it. So, she has a stomping, screaming, wailing fit on the floor of my room. I walk away, still really calm and amazed that I'm doing so well.

I go in to check on her a while later. She is behind my bed. She says, "Hi Mama!" In a super chipper voice. I say, "Hey Ives. What are you doing?" She then answers, "Oh, I'm hiding all of your special things."

WHAT? (I'm trying so hard not to laugh now) "Well, she says," I was mad at you for not taking me swimming, so I'm taking everything of yours and hiding it so you can't find it." Just plain as day.

So, what did you hide? Where are my books? Well, one of your boots is under the laundry and some stuff is under your clothes. I haven't gotten to your books yet."

I'm trembling so hard now, trying not to laugh. Telling her that is mean and she needs to stop that. I told her that swimming is over for the day anyway. Another fit is now ongoing but she is in her room where she can hide anything she wants.

My word.

It's amazing what your mind recognizes

2010-06-30T18:14:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to put the pain in my fingers out of my head for a while now. All of the test results are negative for arthritis so that is good news, but the pain is still there, just as bad as ever. Anyway, last night I dreamt that I kept picking toothpicks out of my hands like slivers. And it hurt like hell in my dream. Vivid too. Ouch. If it wasn't so scary, I might want to learn more about the symbolism, but dreaming it once was enough!

The house is crabby

2010-06-27T22:01:00.000-07:00

One guess what day and time it is. Yep, it's Sunday night and we are all so antsy for Monday to get here!

A busy week in front of me, a less busy week behind me and two weekends in a row where there wasn't any respite from the week. Sigh. I need my treadmill back!

Littlest baby man is sick with the strep. Poor thing. But by today, after 3 straight days of clinging and crying, I farmed him out to our sitter for a couple of hours. Oh, and I forgot to mention that Chris is sick as well. The littlest baby man is mostly fine until he sees me, where he decides that his life and illness are just too much to bear and he has to clutch at me and scream it into my ear. This morning, I listened to him laugh and smile and do all of his cute and fun Henry things. Until he saw me and the whiney, crying, pitifulness started. It didn't take me long to decide that our home wasn't the most positive of experiences for any one so I set about to change it.

Loaded the kids into the car, medicated the DH and sent him to bed. Took little miss to my mom's house. Took baby to our sitter's house and took middle man to Wal Mart with me for an hour and a half. Yep, you read that right. Then to the library. Back home to drop off the groceries. Picked up baby. Dropped baby off with DH. Took Bec to my aunt's for swimming, where Ivy already was and enjoyed the first swim for the kids of the summer.

Hot house. Sticky mama. Let's all really hope that strep baby feels better tomorrow. It would benefit so many people ! I guess that's a family for ya.

Quotes from "DIRT"

2010-06-26T19:07:00.000-07:00

Finished a book of essays titled, "Dirt" this past week. And I really enjoyed it. Here are some of the quotes that I marked while reading.

"Do I need all this to tell me who I am?"

"And how this act of disposing of his father's ties made Auster understand, even more than the burial ceremony, "that my father was dead."

"What do I remember? That there are three boxes in the middle ear- the malleus (hammer), incus (anvil), and stapes (stirrup) that form a chain. The stapes transmits vibrations of the eardrum to the cochlea. It is 5 mm long and is smaller than a grain of rice. The body's smallest muscle, the stapedius, pulls on the stapes, the smallest bone."

"I can still wear a few of those little skirts,too, but I'm not sure I want to. I'm growing less interested in being attractive than in being comfortable."

my tattoos

2010-06-12T21:19:00.001-07:00

I had the worst time deciding where to write this post, either here or on the happy blog, so I'll get the details out here, then have a pared down version over there. I guess it doesn't really matter.

Today, I have been reading 2 books. One is a cookbook on baking and the other is a reread of High Voltage Tattoo by Kat Von D. Hendrix was crawling around tonight with a permanent marker in his mouth, which Ididn't realize was permanent and was allowing him to do because he loves to draw and paint, so whatev! Well, now my floor in the kitchen has some pretty permanent Hendrix drawn artwork all over. And it hasn't come off. Oh, well, we didn't like the floor much anyways. Then his mouth and neck and clothes had drawings on them too. I got to thinking about tattoos on my baby after I tried to wash him up in the tub.

When I was in college, I was with a young republican boy man that I had been with since high school. he was involved with a fraternity that I hated. It wasn't that particular frat that gave me hives, just the fact that this boy man had wanted to fit in so much. I remember when he approached me about him getting a tattoo of his brotherhood, I positively FREAKED THE F OUT!! I ranted about "branding" himself and told him how disgusted I was that he was even considering it. Well, of course he got one anyway, and I had been cheating on him with a poet/bassist so I wasn't too devastated, knowing that he wasn't going to be "mine" for much longer.

My ex husband doesn't have any tattoos. He was pretty neutral to the fact of tattoos except for when I wanted to get one, which why I even needed his permission is beyond me. (And I haven't made that mistake again, b.t.w.) And then one day, he told me that he was thinking about getting a tattoo of his softball team's logo that my cousin had approached him about. Again, I was so pissed off. He wouldn't even consider a tattoo when I brought it up, but once it came from the mouth of my cousin, he was into it. I don't think I've gotten over that one, as I'm feeling pretty pissed writing this.

Now we are up to Christopher. He also has no tattoos and doesn't want any. And I love this about him. Because it is his belief in the perfection of the human form as it was meant to be, without being altered. He also doesn't have any piercings for the same reason. He has refused to be an organ donor and does not want an autopsy or cremation when the time comes because of his beliefs. But he adores my tattoos and I have gotten all of them since we have been together. He was even there for my first one, along with my brother and my sister.

My tattoos are more than precious to me. They are so personal and so lovingly created and executed that when I look at them sometimes, I tear up. I love that I have made such life altering decisions about my own body and in my mind have made my body a more true representation of myself. Clients that come in to my office that regret their tattoos inevitably tell me that there was no reason behind their choice, they were just going along with the crowd. I know that absolutely no one in the world has my same tattoos and that the only reason I chose them was for my own reasons.

I'm finding it funny that one action, in different situations and made for different reasons can make my emotions run the gamut. Ah, well

2 confessions

2010-06-11T21:17:00.000-07:00

1. I hate NPR. Car talk I can sort of handle, but it isn't worth the other millions of lifetimes of unhappiness that I feel when NPR is on.
This probably makes me stupid and a Republican and anti American, but I had to get it off my chest. And the people that listen to NPR and then act like they are soooo much better than anyone else who listens to ANYTHING else make me hate NPR even more. If that is even possible. You probably all hate me now and will stop reading. But, at least I've been honest. This has been on my chest for years now. Thanks for the cleansing. I may even facebook this. Maybe some friends will drop me, especially ones that love NPR and bug me anyway.

2. This next one is hopefully buried underneath all of the NPR hating backlash. Because I don't want it to be true. I think that I have carpal tunnel syndrome. I'm scared. I don't want to talk about it. I'm in denial hoping that it will just go away. Kind of like when I'm researching life insurance leads. But it doesn't, and has been bothering me for a while. My next step is to tell Chris and to go to the doctor. OK< let's pretend I didn't type this.

bleh bleh bleh

2010-06-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

let's just do away with the complaining first off. maybe just get it out of the way and clear it off of the table.

my back is killing me. it feels like a huge knot of cinnamon red hots in your mouth after you have brushed your teeth. oooooowwwww.
I feel huge.
my stomach feels like acid.
my sinuses ache
I don't want any one in my space at all. I want to hide with my computer with it's Linksys router. Even my precious little kids and my husband, need to back the f off. space please

So, there we go. I'm just a bundle of happiness and joy. Bleh is my favorite adjective lately.

On most hard days

2010-06-06T22:06:00.000-07:00

my art saves me. Or at least making art saves me. Today wasn't the smoothest of days and my mood was far from good. Thankfully, I had joined a new art journaling group and just picked up my friend's journal to work in on Thursday. So, while being in a crabby abby mood, I painted, cut, glued and thought about artistic concepts. I also looked up an article on motivation, not prototype 37c reviews. I was looking at a newspaper photo of a ballerina and I thought to myself, "I wonder what motivates her to live the life of the ballerina? Is it the art? Is it the recognition of fame? Is it the goal of pushing your physical body to the limits of perfection?" Then I began to think of motivation as a chemical/hormone and started doing research on dopamine and the blood/brain barrier. And then that lead to my thinking about my step dad and his surgery and how lucky we are to have him still be alive.

Although I physically do not enjoy my premenstrual syndrome, or more clearly, my PMDD, I love how my mind is altered. I take refuge in my thoughts during this week. One random string of ideas can lead me to places that I never expected. Unfortunately, I also told Chris and Ivy to shut up tonight, which I have never done. I do feel badly about it. But then again, I really wanted them to quit talking. I also think that my medications may be a bit off. Thankfully, I have counseling this week to check in on how things are going.

Random

2010-06-04T22:32:00.000-07:00

The kids are watching scooby doo puppy cartoons. Chris and baby are asleep. My babiest sister is graduating tomorrow. She is just beautiful. I don't think she ever has had to treat acne in her life!
There was a book that came with a CD that my cousin got for $5 that Chris absolutely loves. We tried some chicken burgers from Costco that were amazing. I carmelized onions for the first time. Everyone's night was ruined when Ivy accidently saw a part of the Goonies that scared her on tv. How is all of that for random?

Back in the saddle

2010-06-01T20:57:00.000-07:00

of our wonderful routine. I barely made it through this weekend. I've written before that the boys can barely stand a two day weekend away from school, let alone 3 days. The worst is when Chris has to work on the 3rd day, which thankfully, he didn't have to do yesterday. But he did golf for half of the day and OMG were we ready for him to be home.

So, I was all "yeah, Tuesday!" I went in to daycare and worked for a few hours, picked up Ivy from school, went to tour her new school with my sister, then went to Costco which I loved compared to going on Sunday which was very close to Hell with all of the people. Back home to unload, Ivy rode her bike in the park. Picked up Bec, Henry and our temp sitter LSW and took them all to soccer. Home to make dinner, showers for the older 2 kids. Now bed. Wonderful day. No need for any fat burning products for me with all of this running around.
Yeah Tuesday!

G H I

2010-05-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

I wish that this weekend would have ended sooner, but I"m dealing with the reality of the situation and that puts me in the place of really looking forward to work tomorrow. On that note, I need a bit more gratitude, so here are my next three letters.

G-Grandmothers- My parent's mothers were wonderful in their own ways. My dad's mom was traditional. My mom's mom, not so much. They were a great compliment to each other.

H-Happy Meals- the old skool happy meals. The ones in the box that came with dessert. I miss those cookies a lot. Could I also put in not needing a hemorrhoid treatment under this as well?

I-Ice Cream Trucks- Just recently my kids have begun to understand the sound of the ice cream truck. The looks on their faces are so priceless.

I couldn't make this up

2010-05-30T22:21:00.000-07:00

When we were at Costco today pricing air conditioners, I saw my ex-sister-in-law, Tee. She asked me if I had heard from my mom. Of course my heart stops because I think that it has something to do with my stepdad. I said that I hadn't heard from her. Tee tells me that my Nana's house caught on fire. WTH???

I noticed last week that my mom was having some electrical work done on my Nana's house. I don't know if that has anything to do with the fire. According to my sister, she isn't sure what the cause is yet, but the exterior wall on the north side is damaged. If I didn't want to sell my timeshare, I'd be outa here on a vacation.

People who don't know me would think that I'm an attention hound. I am to a certain extent, but not enough to come up with crazy stories like this. What is that quote about the truth being stranger than fiction? That is sooo my life lately.

spring 2010

2010-05-28T21:42:00.000-07:00

I. AM. NOT. A. FAN.

Just yesterday, I was finishing up some laundry and had taken 2 of the kids to a dr. appt. that turned out great. Anytime I can leave a medical establishment without the kids or myself crying and no rx for anything, I consider a success. In my head I was actually thinking, "Man, I think that I might be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel on these very stressful weeks." And at some point I'm going to write out an actual timeline of this stressful spring to actually show myself that I have proof if I'm going to end up with a breakdown of sorts.

So, after this thought that things just might be looking up, my phone rings. My sister is crying. Telling me that she has just gotten off of the phone with my mom and our step dad is in emergency waiting for a consult with a neurosurgeon because his brain is bleeding.

WTF??? Back up here. OK, here goes.
About a week ago, my stepdad hit his head against his car door getting into his car. No big, right? WRONG! He is on a blood thinner for his heart and this is where things get scary. Days after the injury, which was minor and not really on anyone's radar, he starts to act a bit off. And it just gets worse daily. He had been in to see his doctor and they were running tests. As soon as they saw the cat scan results yesterday afternoon, he was sent immediately to e.r. Which is when I got the call to catch me up on everything.

Alrighty. I'm crying on the phone, telling my sis that I will be up there as soon as I can find a sitter for my kids. Chris gets home late, but it works out. In e.r., they have already met with the surgeon and scheduled surgery for 7 am this morning (Friday). All seems to be under control. They take him up to ICU to be monitored through the night. His mom and my mom stay with him.

I'm stressed out and don't want to go home until after the kids are in bed so I don't have to explain anything to them yet. I head to Walmart where I end up stress shopping and spending over $100 on absolutely nothing that I need, not including the alli diet pill
. My cell starts to ring like crazy. My stepdad deteriorated very quickly and began to not recognize anyone or know where he was. They started to prep for surgery and called us all back up to the hospital.

They took him into surgery and cut a hole in his skull to relieve the pressure and remove the blood clot in his head. It took 3 hours. It went perfectly. WHEW! They removed a blood clot that was an inch and a half thick. I was a ball of nerves. Clenching my jaw, scowling my forehead, trying to sleep on a tiny couch in the surgery waiting room.

Bottom line, we are soooooo very lucky to have him still with us. Bottom line, I'm a stress case. Bottom line, I got home at 3 a.m. this morning, was up at 6, spent a lot of time in ICU. Away from the hospital, I haven't been a nice person. I think that I'm getting gunshy .

He will be in ICU for a few days, then moved to a regular floor. After that, he will have to move to another facility for rehab. typing this out makes my stomach hurt.

Bleh.

Worry

2010-05-18T22:44:00.001-07:00

I'm worried about Ivy. she is always so tired. I have a doctor's appt scheduled for her for next week. My stomach hurts thinking about it and I am having trouble sleeping. so many things going on, good things, and stressful things.

We found out today that she got into the school we really wanted her at for fall. I'm excited and scared at the same time. What if this isn't the answer we are looking for. What if she still has trouble? I know that these are all a lot of what ifs, but they are on my mind tonight.

I'm thinking that maybe the stress of the past few weeks has started to catch up to me. Nana dying, the kids all being sick, Chris out of town and continual upgrades to the house, trying once again to finish up my dad's estate. Friends of mine that are dealing with very serious issues of their own.

I'm definitely out of sorts lately. I haven't been able to concentrate on reading in so long. Finishing a book has become a huge feat lately and I haven't really been enjoying reading anything. I've been liking the books on CD, which make me feel read to and nurtured. I think that we all need a little more nurturing here and there. I'm going to need pronexin with all of this stress.

My stomach hurts. I miss my dad. I'm thinking that I need to check the calendar as this all might be pms. Crying always reminds me that there may be something biological going on. Ramble, ramble, ramble.

Ivy's Dream 5/17/10

2010-05-18T08:50:00.000-07:00

"mom, I had a really good dream! We were solving a mystery. Looking for a man that was invisible. When daddy gave me my lunch in a bag, there was a disguise in it. A hat, a mustache, brown coat and boots. It wouldn't fit in my lunch box. We also had watches that our boss could tell us where to look for the invisible man. We had things in our ears that when we pushed a button, we could see everything invisible. We were all spies like that kid spy show on t.v." I could totally sell books
about these kids!

thank yous

2010-05-17T14:29:00.000-07:00

I have always been a fan of thank you notes, both writing and receiving. I'm hoping to pass this on to my kids. I think that it may be a fight with Becken as he despises any type of writing, but Ivy and Hendrix may be fair game.

Ivy is writing 3 thank you notes to relatives for hanging out with her this weekend. I'm not having her address them because of her need to write super large and I don't have any jumbo envelopes on hand at the moment.

She has a stash of cards with her name on them so whenever the mood strike her, she can write one out to whomever. I love it when I am one of the chosen ones for her coveted handwritten cards.

confusion

2010-05-13T15:47:00.000-07:00

I know that soon I will be doing research on the best acne treatment for my future teenagers, but I HAD NO IDEA THAT KINDERGARTEN WOULD BE THIS HARD!!!!

The homeschool portion is working out wonderfully. The remaining public school time, not so much. I don't even know where to begin. We like having her there to finish out the year. We like the socialization. We like that she is having to do something that she is not in control over. And that about ends what we are liking from this experience.

DH is out of town. I just picked her up crying hysterically again from school. Everyone is at their wits end. DH had a conference with her teacher on Tuesday. I had a call from the counselor today, and then spoke with her teacher again after school. I'm about to throw up my hands.

looking forward

2010-05-09T07:31:00.000-07:00

to this summer! I know that many teachers will think that I'm nuts, but I used to think that year round school would be a good thing for kids and parents.

Now that I actually have some experience being one of those parents, I have changed my mind. I CANNOT wait for summer to spend with Ivy! We have a lot of little plans of things to do. Planning a trip to OR for a wedding, where I am NOT in charge of wedding favors, will be our main trip of the summer.

And, of course, I'm licking my lips in anticipation of my new niece to be born in August. I can't wait to get my hands on that tiny princess soccer player! (my sister says that this baby is the most active in utero than the other 2 boys were) :)

Fun stuff ahead.

Things I am missing

2010-05-06T10:21:00.000-07:00

my blog.
time to blog.
my other blog.
you guys.

the weather is crazy. my kids are sick. chris is working until Friday, then has next week off but is going to Vegas for a bachelor party thurs-sun. I'm excited for him.

I'm liking my new phone for all of it's features, but I'm not liking the phone part of it. How is that for ironic? Ah well, texting is much better for me anyway. I haven't even touched my netbooks since I got the phone. I hope that doesn't continue!

I've been cooking and baking and enjoying it. I haven't been working at massage very much and I'm not missing it which is unusual. I'm thinking that it is nice to have one less thing on my plate at the moment.

Reading and drawing sporadically. Isn't it sad how there never seems to be enough time?

Sending my love across the internet.

In a letter

2010-04-26T23:52:00.000-07:00

(copied from a letter to Katiefu)

I feel so weird about all of this right now. First off, it really hasn't hit home yet. Nana had been kind of tucked away into a corner of my life for a while now, and it is so easy to just let myself think she is still living and breathing in that corner.
Another thing is that compared to my dad's dying, this death was so much easier to take. It was still very rough, but oh my, what a difference to mourn a 91 year old's death opposed to a 52 year old's. My dad's death felt so wrong, and Nana's felt so right. And I know that she had wished to die in her sleep. To watch her linger on this past week was painful for all of us. At one point, when we were turning her and I was cradling her head, she was no longer speaking, but she locked eyes with me and her eyes filled with tears. I took it to mean, "I wish this would all end" She hated to be fussed over on one hand. On the other, if she wasn't being fussed over, she'd make sure you knew it!
The night that I stayed with her, my heart hurt so horribly. And it felt like my heart took up my whole body. It reminded me of how raw I was during and right after my dad got sick and died. Once she was gone though, my heart no longer hurt like that. It still is broken, but to see her dying was much worse than having her die.
It's really kind of peaceful now. Maybe with the funeral and the days to come, it'll be more intense, but for today, it's peaceful. I was able to say my goodbyes. We each wrote her a card to put in her casket. Mine said, "Thank you." And that sums it up. I just feel so grateful. I feel sorry that my kids won't know her like I did. But at least she met them all, hugged them all, loved them all, AND I have the photos to prove it.
She didn't make it to Christmas this year and barely made it through Thanksgiving. I think that I knew back then.

The hardest Part

2010-04-23T21:10:00.001-07:00

Of all of this has been having to tell Ivy what is going on. She hasn't wanted to see nana, but she is here at the house with all of us from time to time. Seeing those little eyes tear up once she caught on to what was happening is something that I never want to see again.

The next day, she came to me and told me about a dream she had that was bad. She said that she was going to Paris, but wasn't sure how she was going to get there. She was also saying goodbye to her friends Daniel and Francisco and she kept crying and telling them how much she would miss them. It's really interesting to see how she is processing all of this.

For myself, I haven't dreamt at all about any of this. I really haven't slept that much or that deeply. It's funny to me how different this is from my dad's passing. My dad felt so wrong, but this feels very right. I was so drugged up when my dad was dying because I couldn't feel. I wanted to cry but couldn't . So to get past all of that I would try to relax my body, to let myself let out my emotions.

Just tonight Chris asked me how long it has been since I've had a drink. It's been weeks due to that horrible kidney infection. No pain pills for days now. But this time, I just cry. And cry freely and openly and it feels so healthy to grieve and say goodbye. And be sad. Really sad.

uncertain

2010-04-23T21:03:00.000-07:00

I don't really know where I want to be at this moment, so I am just sitting here at my mother's table typing away and pretending that this is all I'm supposed to be doing.

I could be home with Chris and the kids. But I really wanted to be here.

I could be in my Nana's room, holding her, stroking her hair and whispering to her. But I have a pit in my stomach. When my dad died I was in my car in his driveway. I couldn't go back into that house. I'm kind of in that state right now. But I know that I will regret not being with her as much as I could when she is gone. I KNOW that from experience, yet I can't move from my seat.

I could sit right here. And I think that is what I'm going to do for a bit.

DEF

2010-04-20T21:32:00.000-07:00

D Decisions. Actually, to be more specific, it is decisions that are made. I hate to have anything really up in the air once I know what my choices are. Whether right or wrong, once that decision is made, I can breathe easier.

E Eggs may be my favorite meal. Fried eggs that Chris makes for me are some of the only things that I will eat when I am sick or have no appetite. In fact, I don't eat breakfast unless Chris makes eggs for me.

F Fakes. Things that are fake. Or faux. But not people. I love fake hair. Fake nails. Fake diamonds and pearls. Fake fur. Fake eyelashes. I am a fan of fakeys.

The ABCs

2010-04-20T12:42:00.000-07:00

Kelly usually makes a post like this around Thanksgiving. I've been wanting to do one for a long time, but right now seems perfect, dealing with what we are dealing with. While my heart is hurting by letting go, I'm going to refocus.

A - apricots While I was growing up, my nana had a huge apricot tree. Apricot jelly is my favorite. Apricot fruit is my favorite fruit. Whenever I taste apricots, butter and toast, I remember being a kid.

B- bananas I'm not a huge fan of bananas and neither is Ivy. But I will eat them. The boys in this family really like bananas. I'm grateful for bananas in that they are so good for you and so easy to serve. Handing over a banana for a snack makes me feel like a good mom.

C-colored pencils I just bought some colored pencils by Crayola called Twistables. They twist so you never have to sharpen them. Their color is great! I've been using them from the day that I bought them along with just regular #2 pencils for my sketch book. They are really fun.

The Queen is Dying

2010-04-19T21:38:00.000-07:00

My Nana is dying. Which we have known for quite some time, with her new diagnosis of congestive heart failure. The last time that I saw her really engaged was right before Easter. After that, it's just been obvious that she is declining.

There are so many parts of this that are difficult. probably too many to name. But telling Ivy was right up there with something that I never want to do again. She has always asked about dying and about Nana since she is so old. When she was 5, she would start to spontaneously cry thinking about it and then work herself up to almost inconsolable. She wanted me to lie to her so badly, to tell her that Nana wouldn't ever die. And I told her that I would, but we would both know that it wasn't true.

I was on the nurse line for about 30 minutes after Ivy got stung by a wasp this morning. They wanted us to moniter her for another 6 hours after the sting. So, since she wasn't going to school, she was going to be with me. Meaning I would have to tell her what we would be doing today. The look on her face when she began to realize what I was telling her about Nana was something I never want to see again.

Nana did say some things today. I haven't heard her speak in a long time. She says, "Will you help me? I need to get away from here. I'm going home." She says that she can't open the door. I know that she is working on it.

remember that bladder infection I mentioned

2010-04-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

quickly and scarily turned into a kidney infection within 3 hours. the pain was worse than labor. no one was home and my sister came right over while i crawled naked up the stairs from the basement, then crawled in my robe through the driveway to the car. that pain was unimaginable and I have had many kidney infections before. a xanax/ceflex/oxi cocktail along with an IV made it all sane again from what I remember. Landi was going to call the ambulance, thinking my appendix had burst.

Chris took today off and all I've done has been sleep and drink. He has kept on top of all of my medications. Laying in that basement in that pain was one of the worst feelings of hopelessness I have ever felt. I am so thankful I had my phone. I am seriously thinking of getting one of those life alert things. If I lived alone, I would have one. My nana says that she would rather die than wear one of those things. It's just her vanity talking. After yesterday, my vanity flew out the window. Just like my need of ever requiring philadelphia inquirer jobs.

It's really made me think of other countries where medical care isn't available. I'm sure kidney infections exist outside of the U.S. That is the thought that has stuck with me the most. I sure got a stern talking to from the ER doc. Turns out that these aren't infections to be taken lightly. My own criteria was to go in if I started to run a temperature. I never did.

Then, I think about the amount of stress that has been happening in my life lately. Both bad and good. Being with Mitzi while her husband died. Taking my classes. Traveling to the beach. Basketball for the kids. Redoing the kitchen. Easter. A couple sets of friends that are having personal family problems. Planning the curriculum for homeshcooling Ivy .
My birthday. My nana weakening. Joining a new artist co op.

Maybe I needed to get sick to get a bit of rest?